Desperate for Light

So much familiar with afternoons, it’s a sign that the evening is coming. It tells us that in a few moments the light of the sun will leave us with a mere reflection of its light on the moon.

Life has its afternoons, especially made for failure-prone creatures. For sinful-by-nature beings. For the self-loving, godless society. Afternoons are always here to remind us that days turn into nights; the strong would yield to a good night’s rest, the poet would write his last words and close the last page of his own resume.

How many of us have been through the same road for the nth time around? How many failures does it take to believe that it’s the last one? How much anger would it spell to realize the undeserved kindness of God aiming at our combatant heart? Is that your last stare? Is that your last glimpse? Does your tongue have enough to sting? How about your neighbor? Does he remind you that you are not alone? That sometimes it’s ok to be silent when they are talking? Who do you have to reason with? That person in the mirror? Isn’t it you? The same old you?

Oh yes, indeed time is inadequate for you to get your portion of the land of smiles and triumphs. The more you count time, the more you lose it. The more you gain access to friends, the more you become alone. Ironies of all ironies, it’s not about the numbers that would make you a better person or a lesser failure if we would go by our definition of man. It’s always the heart that dictates your direction, and a heart without God is aimlessly pursuing nothing.

How come there is still a road ahead for those who wane? It’s all grace that gave your feet the ground it stands, it’s all grace that provided words in your lips after your worthless promises. It’s all grace that shed light on your dark face. But where would you go after the long run when time catches up on you again?

When was the last time you prayed? No I mean the last time your heart talked to God? Prayers can be part of a daily routine, but not all prayers have heart. I can’t stop meddling with man’s futile attempt to live in peace yet end up the opposite. Who failed where and when?

I am not sure. One thing I am sure about is we are not called to fail. Though we are doomed to fail because we are not anywhere near God’s standard, Christ loved us best when we were a failure. He died for all of us even when we are yet sinners. And His grace abounds. Suddenly we become undeserving pricks that even if we fail a thousand times, God has a thousand and one ways of His kindness leading us to repentance.

Wake up sleeping soul, the Lord is mighty to save. There are great battles to be won for His kingdom, and those battles that you can not win for yourself, He already won it all. Don’t even try to outsource your own will to alter His love. It’s there forever regardless if you are or if you are not.

Now evening falls, you become desperate for light. Just try to get some sleep. That’s all you can do when the sun sets in.

About your failures! Never mind if you think you are unable to take another step after all these, for either He will strengthen you to make you able, or He will call a sudden halt, and you will not have to take it all.1

Sleep. Just sleep.

Notes:
1. Frances Ridley Havergal, Streams in the Desert, pp16, Copyright 1925 by the Zondervan Corp.

Sleeveless Errands

This is the second article that I wrote for an OFW magazine based in Singapore, actually I wrote this early December, and I remember writing about Christ coming from the manger to the cross. The publisher instead asked me to write about the New Year. And so I scrubbed my eyebrows to rush for this topic and the gracious Lord has provided that I be able to come up with this. And now I want to share this to all of you. May all of us be blessed with the coming year as God has faithfully desired to bless each one of us.

A few more tick of the clock and it's high time to look back to the past. The past 365 days at least.. A vast majority of people “once again” would come up with a long list of hopeful wishes. We plan to resolve issues by ourselves, never mind if it would be a replica of last year's agenda. What's important is to make that promise again and try our best to make it better this year.

One popular website lists the top 10 New Year's resolution that we mortal beings make. Topping the list is “Spending more time with family and friends”. The list is a result of polls conducted by different organizations and they have figures to prove that people really come up with these resolutions¹. Analyzing the list makes you think that man, in reality has age-old disappointments in life. We are prone to “miss the mark” or “not meet the line”. As long as our sanity could hold, we have a tendency to fail ourselves.

Then the 31^st of December comes, we are shocked to look at a blank sheet of data, we found out that the only effort we made in relation to these promises is to make a list of them. And then you sit on a table with a new sheet of paper to list a new set of resolutions, you could only say to yourself, “How come I miss that one?”

But why? It is not so difficult to do after all. It is not a life and death situation, it does not take a full armor to resist life's buoyant charisma, you don't need a surgeon to always remind you what smoking and drinking could do to the sensitive tissues of your body. And it only takes a mirror to realize that you need to tame that bulge tucked in your pants in favor of your belt. There are things called, paychecks, payslips, its printed clear for you to see, how come you always spend more than you have?

C.S. Lewis wrote, “We would have never promised to do things if we would have known how busy we would be. And all human beings have this curious idea that they ought to behave in a certain way and can not really get rid of it.”²

Can it be true? That the more we understand our being, the more we become tolerant of these behaviors? Or is there Someone in the center of it all who made all things for our enjoyment yet we shun from Him. Going back to the second question of this paragraph, can humans, which are mere creations grasp the thought of the Creator?

Maybe if we would have known that we are created for a purpose, that we could not make it through a minute of this life with pure thoughts, maybe we would instead leave all things in one table and let Him who owns all do all the repairing for us. Maybe through that we would realize that there is no such thing as hopeless – only Godless.

Another year wasted you would say.

I have good news for you, the bible says “In Christ all things hold together”^3. Steven Curtis Chapman wrote, “There's a wonder in the here and now, it's right there in front of you. This is the only moment that we could do anything about”⁴

So the next time you would think of writing a new list of To-Dos, take it from the Best Man that ever lived, “Apart from Me you can do nothing”⁵

Notes:

1. http://pittsburgh.about.com/od/holidays/tp/resolutions.htm

2. CS Lewis, pp 7-8, “Mere Christianity”.. CS Lewis Pte Ltd. 1942

3. Colossians 1:17 NIV

4. Steven Curtis Chapman, “Miracle of the Moment”. Sparrow Songs, Peach Hill Songs 2007

5. John 15:5 NIV

Numbers Everywhere

I read this news on Yahoo, and was so amazed by it I chose to post it on my blog. Whatever this man is drinking...let me have it.

My favorite part is this "He sat down and it was all very quiet -- and all of a sudden he amazingly just cracked it." Whooa! Sat down and cracked the 13th root of 200 digit numbers - err..without calculator just pure brains..

Anyways thats a lot of spoiler from me. Read the news for yourself and ask the person sitting next to you - "Cracked?"

'Mathlete' smashes human calculation record: museum

Tue Dec 11, 12:21 PM ET

The world's fastest human calculator on Tuesday broke his own record for working out a 200-digit number using nothing but brain power to produce the answer in just over 70 seconds.

Alexis Lemaire, a 27-year-old Frenchman, correctly calculated the 13th root of a random 200-digit number from a possible 393 trillion answers.

The so-called 'mathlete' produced the answer of 2,407,899,893,032,210 in 70.2 seconds, beating his previous record of 72.4 seconds, at London's Science Museum.

A computer was used to produce a random 200-digit number before he sat down to calculate the answer in his head.

The museum's curator of mathematics, Jane Wess, said: "He sat down and it was all very quiet -- and all of a sudden he amazingly just cracked it.

"I believe that it is the highest sum calculated mentally.

"He seems to have a large memory and he's made this his life's ambition. It's quite remarkable to see it happen. A very small number of people have this extraordinary ability; nowadays there is only a handful."

Lemaire, who attends the University of Reims in northern France, began demonstrating his prowess by finding the 13th root of a random 100-digit number but gave up trying to improve his performance when he calculated an answer in under four seconds in 2004.

Like an athlete, he trains his brain daily for the far harder task of finding the 13th root of 200-digit numbers.

Article URL:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/britainsciencerecordoffbeat

footnote:
The fastest mathematical equation I solved in my whole life was "Who killed Magellan?", and I was able to solve it for only 5 minutes, minus the time I looked for a calculator.

Like a Rose Trampled on the Ground

[Reflections on the Song, Above All]

Above all powers, Above all kings
Above all nature, And all created things
Above all wisdom, And all the ways of man
You were here before the world began

Julius Caesar made the most of his divine ancestry and built a temple in his forum to Venus Genetrix, Mao Tze Tung had his little red book carried by multitudes, Adolf Hitler killed the Jews, Pol Pot became popular with agrarian communism, Joseph Estrada became president, Mike Arroyo went to Hong Kong, the bus driver cuts loose a wild chase in EDSA, a rugby-saturated young thief went off with the purse of an old lady in white, a jobless drunk stabbed to death a sober dreamer.

Above all kingdoms, Above all thrones
Above all wonders, The world has ever known
Above all wealth, And treasures of the earth
There's no way to measure What You're worth

Napoleon was poisoned, Saddam Hussein was caught on a filthy hole in Baghdad, Kurt Cobain swallowed a shotgun bullet, Richard Nixon stepped down from office, JFK's head was shattered by an assassin's bullet, Ninoy Aquino's white clothes were tainted with his own blood, Ferdinand Marcos flew to Hawaii, Government inks ZTE deal, Team Unity beats Genuine Opposition 12-0, FPJ dies, PGMA says sorry, the writer of this blog thought he knew it all.

Crucified
Laid behind the stone
You lived to die
Rejected and alone
Like a rose
Trampled on the ground
You took the fall
And thought of me
Above all

A carpenter was nailed to a wooden cross, the blood of a sinless Savior for the remission of the sins of those who killed Him, the King of kings stripped of His robe on His way to the cross, His death in exchange for the lives of those who would believe, Glorious Lord crowned with thorns, the multitudes hated and shouted at the One whom the angels worship, “It is finished” and the battle is won! He rose on the third day, He sits on His throne but He is never busy running His Kingdom for you not to hear these words from Him “I love you my child, I gave my only begotten Son, believe me and you will have eternal life”

Jesus Christ, according to Paul Baloche and Lenny LeBlanc's song was rejected trampled on the ground like a rose. Beautiful Jesus took the fall, and thought of you and me – ABOVE ALL!

Static Magnetism to an Orb of Decadence

[Instant coffee and aircon, prose and confusion]

I left the park without the usual gutsy feeling and a bullet proof attitude of "let go of me dude!, I'm fed up with you".

Almost cynical of your righteous intention, I need to fasten my seatbelt and let the adrenaline rush, shy of Pompey's post privatus years.

The metallic plate of my subtle dreams ended up in a less than lucrative business of the self.

Not minding the gradient color of the blood that spilled from self inflicted wounds, my hopes are reduced to half the number of stars that collared my engaging tactics. Deal with me now or prepare for the great white shark's ferrocious kiss.

Listen to the sound of the black keys that holds my fingers apart, I hurriedly take you away to neverland, to where we will never grow old, to where the pirate captain is held captive to the croc's enigmatic agenda.

I am helpless in preventing the rage behind these words that time had allowed me to translate inside a dim-lit room of strange people.

Though the memories have died in the eye of the strong hurricane, fear never held back an inch and took his post.

Battle!

To battle the essential truth behind the smile. To rattle the poignant decaying pulse for a little while. The mantle of random heartbeat refuse to survive. The damsel of creative distress is barely alive.

Thank you!

The curtain is lifted.

I'm out of words, a burglar of poetic innovations.

Leave me alone and let me alone.

My dear self, how I long to ask "Where did you sleep last night?"

And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.
Luke 14:27

An Unlikely Encounter

Singapore 2007

Yesterday I got a chance to be interviewed by a Singaporean. The company is in the business of providing design solutions for different clients. I never got the chance to apologize to Mr. Recruiter because I did not understand his words when he introduced his company to me.

So what’s there to write about a regular day on a normal interview procedure?

Nothing I supposed, except that this person in front of me is so proud of Filipino employees. He says he prefers Pinoys over other nationality because we perform our tasks better. It was a shining moment for me that very hour; I can not help but tell him how I wish that employers back at home would have the same perspective such as his. How I wish Filipino employers would boast about the workmanship of their fellow Filipinos instead of not giving them much preference and opportunity to work.

I remember the story of my colleague who happens to be a software developer; one time a foreigner arrived at their office which is also an employee of one of their companies which is based in Asia. My friend told me that the fellow was really good in theories but when it comes to practicing those theories, Pinoys are really better. And here before me, a Singaporean confirms… “Filipinos can beat those people (referring to a set of nationalities) head to head".

Wow! Head to head!

The interview ended casually, without an assurance that I am hired, he asked me to perform some tasks and return at his office to discuss how we would proceed. But employment was not my primary concern that day.

I left by thanking him, in a few minutes talk, I learned a lot from him.

I went home excited, not because of getting a new job.

I am excited of the magnitude of passion and nationalism that was birthed in my heart. Yes, I might be over-reacting but that’s how it affected me, to hear from the words of a foreigner that Filipinos are great workers.

I seldom hear this back at home, I don’t even speak about this. For as far as I am concern, we are not that good in doing our job, but I was wrong. It is not how we perform our job, but how we love our country that makes a great impact over our co-workers.

I pray that the wings of nationalism would cover the hearts of each and every one of us. Regardless if we are home or not.

God bless the Philippines!

The Homer Gang

Singapore, 07-28-2007

Circa 1990, in the suburbs of East Bajac Bajac, a small Baranggay in Olongapo City, lives a budding cartoonist. In exchange for a few minutes of pleasure, this young kid skips meal just to draw his favorite cartoon character. This passion to draw extends to the walls of St. Joseph’s High School. A few minutes walk from his home.

As the teacher exhorts how mathematics shape the life of successful people, this young kid sketches the yellow figure he loves to draw, the yellow figure with a hairdo the size of a giant saw. After a few minutes of meditating the concept or his favorite cartoon hero, he shows it to one of his great friends in anime land. “Sheeeeezeee”, this is how he says it but I forgot to ask him how he spells that word, so 17 years after I would assume that this is how he spells it. Christian Reyes, now a licensed Chemical Engineer working somewhere in the middle east would wave flags of complement in agreement to what I just have drawn…yes, that young artist was me. In a time where Adobe Photoshop was just a fragment of man’s imagination, I was already passionate in drawing. I don’t even have a dream of owning my own computer that time, but I was just engulfed in arts…different seasons to speak. And that time it was the rise of the 20th century’s best television series (awarded Dec 31, 1999, Time Magazine)1.

Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie. Sounds familiar? Matt Groening, the man behind this longest running American sitcom said in an interview that they have just passed their 400th episode and thought this was a landmark time2. 20 years after its creation, The Simpsons hit the big screen.

The people behind this series have their reasons for doing this movie just now, and one of them is that we don’t have digital animations back then. Though it took them some time to write the script it all fell in one perfect place. Director David Silverman hopes this could regenerate interest in 2D animation and that it would be a great bonus for them3. Why not? That would be a great bonus for us artists who are still alienated in 3D software programs.

Let’s travel back in time. Back in highschool.

A day after a typical Simpson episode on RPN 9 (it was aired on RPN right?) our gang would regroup in one secluded place of our classroom and cover ourselves with a great force field with The Simpson Zone written all over it. No one would dare enter our zone as we talk about how bleeding gums Murphy made the day again. Hmmm…I am having a difficult time remembering the exact episodes but 17 years later, here in Singapore, while shopping with my wife, the monument of my youth stood right before me. It was not just Bart (he was my cartoon hero), the complete family was there for photo ops. After a few minutes of convincing my wife to take a picture of me and the Homer gang, she did so, hurriedly. And here you saw it in my blogsite. A dream come true…. 17 years after my wandering mind digested this yellow humor. I finally got to have my picture taken with them.

Though I am still waiting for $7 worth of financial aid from my wife, I could only imagine how those who have watched this movie laughed their heart out and who among them where already alive when Homer’s annoyed grunt “D’oh!” first hit our existence.

Argh! I am really that old!

1. Wikipedia, The Simpons 2. First, Singapore, July 2007 issue 3. First, Singapore, July 2007 issue

A Ray of Hope for Philippine Politics

Sevenink in Singapore

05-19-2007 12:45am

Gone were the days that the governance of the three stars and the sun were diminished by fame, so to speak. Darlene Custodio, making the lead over a crowd favorite boxer and Eddie "Among Ed" Panlilio with a surprising lead over the son of Leon Guerrero and the wife of a suspected gambling lord gives reason for the young generation to hope.

It’s high time that Filipino’s regain the momentum of choosing better options for their nation. In earlier times, greater exposure in the boob tube and top billing a popular movie no matter how shallow the story is, will give you greater chances of landing a place in the political arena. A place where heroes spill their blood holding integrity and truth as their only assets.

Now, with actors vying for a seat in the senate not landing the top 20 of early tallies proves that popularity alone is not enough. The people have had enough of the popular guys wearing suites instead of aprons.

Aside from this one news that is so appallingly numbing to my skull, TU gets 12-0 in Maguindanao. I’m not that good at mathematics, but when stupidity overshadows logic in the most obvious way, people really do exist in dreamland. I don’t know about substance abuse, but Jim Morrison, Kurt Cobain, Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin cut lines of crack till their brain stops functioning. The TU guys obviously are not on the road to being OD’d but how come their brain seems to be at loss? Hold your breath, Singson at number 1 followed by Pichay at number 2.

Laughing stock of Asia you would say?

I say no. For this matter is not of the laughing nature. With gnashing of teeth, people involved and who are still subject to the norms of righteousness should stand out for this horrendous feat.

Can’t say the TU guys are not worth it, but for obvious reasons, let’s not allow a circus act dictate our future. Whoever the operators of this abysmal craft should find out for themselves this early where they are heading.

12-0?

Ok let’s go back to paragraph one.

Unfathomed Tears

Sevenink in Singapore
05.01.2007 11:45pm

We have the right to cry without the whole world knowing why!

I woke up in the saddest of my days, can’t hardly pray that’s why I just told God what’s in my heart. Today I lost my most treasured possession, which I can not throw away, and plan to throw away, has found a way out on its own. With all its glory and beauty and majesty, the treasure bid goodbye to me.

Last night, the mischief in me caught a glimpse of its own misdeed in mid-air. Of all things to pray about, I prayed about death. I pray that God take me from where I am because I would not know where I would be after the last page of the book turned and galloped to eternity. Where do I pick up the pieces of a broken glass window, and if found out where, why would I pick it? It would only make me bleed!

Minutes after I closed my eyes to sleep, death came knocking at my door. Never was death so vivid and clear in his intention of pulling me out of this earth. The bed I was sleeping has a second deck on top. Suddenly, a rumbling feeling came out of me, I could see the second deck and what’s fascinating is I could visibly see that I’m on my way pass the deck on top of me, and I could really feel my body is still laying on the first deck. It was slow sure death. But I thought about names of persons, of people, then I shouted and I woke up.

How do I pray after that ludicrous stunt?

My first time to read the bible from the back of my tears, imagine yourself inside a car as rain pours heavily outside and on the opposite side of the window you find little words scribbling for your attention. Hard to grasp. But as I am in dire need of God’s word this morning, I just opened my mouth and transcribed the pain I’m feeling inside.

As hopeless as it may seem, I did not waiver to seek for one Word, anything at all that would untie the cord that is strangling my consciousness this very minute.

Then the awesome display of God’s abundant provision took center stage.

“No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him”

Pointblank, the summation of all good things I thought of, I planned to have, all the worth of this world that I strive to keep as myself – they all became like a dew on a leaf in a forest compared to the One who created the forest.

This is what I call small time.

I plan to buy my own Mac this year, I plan to drive my own car next year, I dreamed of plotting my own orbit for the greatest love I’ve had and I see myself as a successful creative artist with limitless access to my digital canvass. Of course I also have different things in my mind other than these which are nothing less than hedonistic. But I choose to discuss anything positive out of myself this time as to avoid confusion. Besides, I’m portraying the role of a super villain here. (Remember a few paragraphs earlier I prayed for death?)

Small time it is.

Now I don’t have a choice but to wait. But for sure, never again will I pray for death. Never again would I reduce the time allotted for me to traverse this road ahead. And with these words, I hope to plant a smile to the beauty of the night; to the color I love most, to the walking shadow under the heat of the sun, to the half of march, to the silent wailer, to the crying voice. I will see the unfolding of God’s promise in a time that is only His.

The Sting of Goodbye

Sevenink in Singapore

04.26.2007 7:54pm

According to Yahoo Education;

No doubt more than one reader has wondered exactly how goodbye is derived from the phrase "God be with you." To understand this, it is helpful to see earlier forms of the expression, such as God be wy you, god b'w'y, godbwye, god buy' ye, and good-b'wy. The first word of the expression is now good and not God, for good replaced God by analogy with such expressions as good day, perhaps after people no longer had a clear idea of the original sense of the expression. A letter of 1573 written by Gabriel Harvey contains the first recorded use of goodbye: "To requite your gallonde [gallon] of godbwyes, I regive you a pottle of howdyes," recalling another contraction that is still used.

Wikipedia has the same thing to say about this word, a traditional farewell phrase used in the English language.

This word has always been used primarily to connote leaving something or someone important to your heart. Not to the level of deserting their importance or having no use to them but its just that other elements of life much supreme than you or what you have needs to take its toll as to set in place somehow how the universe should work, and as most of us would agree, the culprit would be, none other than – TIME.

Yes so much have been going on for ages as time sits by his most comfortable corner and in most of time’s capability to laugh at lives missing most of its worth using time in the wrong way you end up in tears. And then unknowingly, time shows off its cruelty by speeding away from you when you most enjoyed it. Time is more supreme than joy, is more powerful than love, time can be peaceful but peace can not over write time.

The most absurd idea you might say from someone who does websites, yes I might live from the age of gigabytes and ones and zeroes. But more than any other living species on this earth I’ve had my share of time’s cruel intentions because I believe nothing could have ever happened without it – without time. How can you find yourself as a thirty year old geek without time passing by? How can you promise someone a future if time won’t pass by and bring that future at your hands? And God would return when? Time will tell right?

And where does that leave us? Are we just accidents waiting to happen? I beg to disagree. Sometimes I think if there’s something next to God in terms of supremacy, it would be time. Time sits someplace near God’s throne so that when we pray for something, God’s answer would come in a package delivered with time.

Even saying goodbye must be in coordination with time cause logically you cant say goodbye to things that time have not yet given you. And who would know if you will find yourself walking the same path again? Of course, time would.

I’ve had the greatest this world has to offer, I’ve had the most profound lifestyle that one could not imagine me having. I’ve been cruelly loved by the most defiant of creatures who wears name tags that read “friends”. Now time dictates that I need to pack my bags to de-synthesize my efforts to build from the ruins of unmet social norms, from the accordions of legalism, from the arc of man’s definitive covenant to survival. All of these I hide in the shadow of history’s most significant piece of wood, to a place not worthy for a King, where one Man ended all humanitarian efforts to unite the creation to the Creator. To where the Savior bid goodbye not to us but to the power of death over us.

You define time whichever way you wish, you call it the most beautiful name you want, pack it in the most expensive cloth or even preserve it in some way but at the end of the day the workflow leads to one single time-table.

Ecclesiastes 3:11 God has made EVERYTHING beautiful in His time. Goodbye has it's sting in my own time but never in God’s.

Unleavened Thoughts

16th of April, 11:48 pm, gate 3 NAIA. Waiting for our boarding announcement, I am now bored, who would not be? My plane ticket says I should have left 3 hours ago,(meaning, I should be in Singapore by now) but still here I am, already bought 2 phone cards to talk to my friends. Oh life, I asked them, “would you want me to leave?, The plane won’t start” my friend just giggled over the phone and told me, “don’t know anything about it”. Good to hear a voice of an angel friend.

This is the most boring boredom that ever landed my bored thoughts. To make matters worst, my mobile phone is almost dead. Why in the world would I keep my phone charger on the bag that I checked in and not on the bag that I’m carrying now? Maybe it’s a result of a Dysphiriangenetical Immuno Acidic Mutation Of Nerves, in short – Lack of Sleep, in Tagalog - “Puyat”.(Ok I admit, I made it up!)

Yes it was a wild ride, the last few days was like a train bound to kingdom come. Everything is scattered on my soft damped carpet, my books are all in place (all of them occupies random location on a Cartesian plane that I call my home)

I don’t know anyone from the group of people that are also bored waiting for the boarding announcement but I find solace in being far from anyone that I knew, for a while but not for a moment.

Now, it made me think about what I would be leaving behind and where I am heading to. It could fall into several categories though, those happy plastic people that would give you their best smile armored with a claw of doubt. And those that possess the ability to shift gears on the fly.

No more waking up on sorry nights, fearing my own tears and clogging my dreams with fabricated sunsets. The final countdown has reached its end, as silence makes up for the lost time that dissonance has taken for itself. I now hold on to the peace that passes all understanding, to the most significant thing that money can not buy, to the happiness that was tainted with eloquent beliefs of the wandering spectators.

Finally, the boarding announcement. And as usual you would hear the “sorry for the inconvenience” litany, as if it would help. And as I board my plane, I leave the rest of my life to the One who would hold my plane to its safe landing, the One who would allow me to walk the road in safety. To the One who knows my most precious thoughts, even my most lonely days. The fear of leaving supersedes the fear of having to start all over again.

It is so hard to cry. But it’s harder to be the reason for someone else’s tears.

Hold your breath.

A mutant’s ordeal of a weird lover of laughter and tears

[Pinakamagulong blog na naisulat ko...mutant mode kasi ako dito december pala nung last ako ng blog..grabe tagal na...]

Intro
Paputol-putol ang ftp connection ko habang ang puno ng saging sa tabi ko ay mayabang na nagsasabing ikaw kasi…pasaway ka!

Ang hirap simulan ng kwentong sasabihin ko ngayon kya sinimulan ko ng walang kwenta…pero kung malalaman nyo lang kung ano tlga gusto kong ikwento ay malamang mamangha kayo at tumugon kayo ng napakamadamdaming “OK!”

Chapter 1 Nagsimula ang Lahat sa Hangin
Sige proceed na tayo, halos tatlong taon na ng una kong narinig ang busina ng jeep sa Remedios at nalanghap ang usok ng nagmamadaling jeep ulit papunta sa Monumento, ngayon malapit nko lumayas ng Pilipinas andun pa rin ang usok na kumakapit sa uniporme ng tiwaling traffic enforcer na wala ng ginawa kundi ang mag piko sa kalye gamit ang makapal na mukha bilang pamato.

Simula noon naging madalas na kung gabi ako umuwi meron kasing training sa isang basement sa San Marcelino, mangilan-ngilang kaluluwa ang dumadalaw dun para makulong ng ilang saglit sa piling ng malaking daga na sobrang mahiyain. Dun ko nakilala ang mga kaibigan ko na inabot na ng bagyo at tidal wave ay kaibigan ko pa rin. Salamat sa inyo ha? At lumipas man ang sandamakmak na rally sa Pilipinas, magkikita pa rin tayo kasi hindi naman tayo bulag. (corny ng joke ko bad trip)

Chapter 2 Para mama!!... bago mag Estrella!
Ansaya nung mga panahon na hindi pa kumplikado ang buhay papunta sa petplans, hindi pa nakakalito pumara ng bus sa pagitan ng tulay at overpass, at hindi pa kelangang sumakay ng elevator na papuntang 11th floor(na nag iisang buhay na palapag sa building na yun nung panahon n iyon).

Chapter 3 Bulong ng Palad
Bago pa dumating ang mga kwento, madami ng kwentuhan, bago dumating ang mga nagpipilit makinig ng mga piniling tinig ay marami na kong nadinig. Antagal na panahon na din palang lumipas madaming tao na rin ang dumaan sa trangkahan ng atensiyon ko. Sabi ng isang kaibigan kong matalik, masyado daw ako mapili sa mga kinakaibigan ko. Aba! At mapili pa pala ako ng lagay na ito? Teka meron bang taong hindi namili ng kaibigan niya? Maliban nlang kung politiko ka malamang gawin mo ito, pero sa katulad nating namamasahe lang ng 9 pesos sa bus na byaheng cubao to boni avenue ay dapat mamili tayo ng kaibigan natin diba?

Chapter 4 Share a Load, Win a Friend
Ewan ko sa iyo at diyan sa katabi mong nagbabasa din nitong blog ko pero ako talaga mas gusto kong mamili ng taong pagkakatiwalaan, yung tipong hindi ka tlga iiwan sa balag ng alanganin. Yung kahit panis na pop corn at boring na soda ay sasamahan ka kasi ang mahalaga yung magkasama kayo at kaya nyong magalit sa isa’t isa ng harapan tapos kakain na kayo ulit ng popcorn at soda, hindi yung plastic na chocolate walnut brownies at choco frap na nagpapanggap na whip cream kapiling ng ngiting pumupunit sa circumference ng mukha ng kausap mo mula kanang tenga hanggang kaliwang tenga.

Chapter 5 Sigaw!
“Huwag ka diyan” sigaw ng katipunerong may hawak na iPod, ng tanungin ng barberong may dalang cd ng cueshe, “bakit?” ang sagot ng katipunero, “sapagkat sinabi ko at ako ay katipunero” - ang labo diba? Minsan ganun sa mundong ibabaw eh, kahit sa mundong gilid at mundong ilalim, nangyayari yun kahit pa munggo lang ang ulam nyo mangyayari pa rin yun. May taong mag-sasabi sayo ng isang bagay na ang basehan lang niya ay kasi siya yun.

Chapter 6 Basang Sisiw sa Gilid ng Tuyong Kalan
Nakakatuwa din minsan na manood ng trailer ng isang suspense thriller na pelikula sa mukha ng kausap mo. Suspense kasi di mo alam kung ano kasunod na sasabihin, thriller kasi nakaka-shock kapag nalaman mo ang susunod na sasabihin, hindi mo alam san nanggaling.

Chapter 7 Wear Your Smile Always - Zionne
Naku katext ko ang kaibigan ko habang ginagawa ko ang blog na ito, at ang payo niya mag-hunos dili daw ako, sabi ko nagsusulat lang naman ako, wala naman akong inaaway. Ska isa pa napagod ako sa trabaho kaya kelangan ko magsulat, ang pagsusulat ay isang bitamina ng utak ko na nakakakapagrelax. Nawawala ang pressure ng trabaho pag nagsusulat ako, nalilimutan ko ang lahat ng problema ko at tumatahimik ako habang nagsusulat.

Conclusion
Sige sa hindi malamang dahilan, tatapusin ko na itong blog ko, anlabo ng title ng blog ko noh?, kahit anong hanap mo dito sa sinulat ko di mo matatagpuan ang ibig kong sabihin unless na weird ka din katulad ko, ay hindi pala ako weird, mutant pala ako.

Panahon Na Naman[Dekada Otsenta Part 2]

Una sa lahat, salamat sa mga tugon ng mga tagahanga ng aking blog, salamat sa inyong text at email (magkapatid pa naman kayong dalawa hehehe)

Eto na tayo ulit. Ang dekada otsenta ay hindi lang tungkol sa palabas sa TV, ito ay isang lifestyle na mahirap iwanan. Isang klase ng pamumuhay na nakasanayan na at nakakabit na sa bawat labi na magsasabing siya ay malapit ng mag trenta anyos.

Spray Net. Huwag mong sabihin na ni minsan ay di mo sinubukan gumamit ng spray net ha? Oh cmon! Lalo na ng sumikat si Romnick Sarmienta with matching high-cut na rubber shoes. Dalawa lang ang direksyon ng mga buhok natin nun. Pakaliwa at Pakanan. Yung bangs matigas. Tama ba?

Bagets. Ang bagets ay di lamang pelikula ni Aga Mulach, William Martinez, JC Bonnin at Raymond Lauchengco(tama ba spelling?) Ang bagets ay estilo na rin ng damit. Yung tipong pagbukas mo ng aparador lahat ng kulay na Makita mo ay isusuot mo, at dapat may tali ka sa ulo habang kumakanta ng mga kanta ng Menudo. Wahaha..Menudo naisip ko pa yun. Si Robby Rosa yun…”Got to catch that plane at 7:30..” bunso nila si Ricky Martin at nung pumunta sila sa Pilipinas at mag guest sa Student Canteen, grabe daig ang labanang Pacquiao-Morales(mga boksingerong nabuhay din nung dekada otsenta)

Yakult! San mo unang nakita ang yakult? At saan mo siya madalas makita dati…hmmm ako madalas ko siya makita sa Kuarta o Kahon, yung Yakult:Roleta ng Kapalaran, madalas itong filler sa show ni Kuya Pepe Pimentel, yung laging kaaway ang biyenan niya. RPN9 ito palabas at dito ka makakakita ng malulufet na advertisement..dito rin natin madalas marinig ang national anthem ng mga wallet…”Seiko, Seiko Wallet ang wallet na masuwerte!” cmon raise your hands and sing with me..”Balat nito ay genuine, international pa ang mga design”. Nakakapagod ba? Hindi masyado.

Noong panahon na iyon, wala pang internet. Si Bill Gates ay manina pa sa chicks at si Steven Tyler ng Aerosmith ay kaya pang mag push up ng bente tuwing umaga. Pero kahit walang internet napakarami nating libangan. Isa na rito ang Komiks..Sinong magsasabing ni minsan ay hindi siya nagbasa ng komiks? Ilan sa inyo ang walang patumanggang sumusunod sa kwento na nagtatapos sa ITUTULOY! At next week bibili ka ulit diba? Ano ba mga magagandang komiks dati? Tagalog Klasiks, Pilipino, Aliwan, Pioneer (susme talagang naalala ko pa) Alamat komiks hehe at siyempre ang Liwayway magazine na 1929 pala nung nagsimula ayon sa http://www.alanguilan.com/.

Nabanggit ko dati ang That’s Entertainment sa part one, request ni katotong Marlon na inlove kay Joy banggitin ko daw ang mga pangalan na ito at baka may mapangiti sa inyo. Caselyn Francisco (talagang inuna si Caselyn?), Rudolph Yaptinchay(malay ko sa spelling ng apelyido neto), Benedict Aquino, Nikki Martel, Jojo Alejar, Jestoni Alarcon, at Michael Locsin, haba pa ng listahan tama na muna yan.

May Playstation ka ba ngayon o kaya X-Box? Aba wala yan sa ating kauna unahang computer game noon. ATARI! Naalala ko sumakit ang kamay ko dahil sa kakalaro ng Pac-Man gamit ang joystick nung unang panahon. Pero masaya ang Atari diba?

Sabado anong pinapanood mo? Ako FPJ sa GMA antagal nun, ang galing ni DaKing, lalo na yung mga war movies andami nyang kalaban na hapon pero take note, isa niya lang naka black siya para kitang kita siya sa black and white na screen dati, simple lang ang plot ng mga movie ni FPJ, mahuhuli, gugulpihin, tatakas at reresbak, ganun lagi yun. Ilang mga movies na napanood ko dito ay ang Asedilio, Ang Maestro, Aguila, Durugin si Totoy Bato, Daniel Barrion at syempre ang Panday(special mention si Tata Temiong na nakapulot ng aklat na itim) Tapos di natin alam pagkatapos ng ilang dekada...magiging magkalabang mortal pala ang dalawa na yun FPJ at GMA.

Iba pang palabas sa TV nun na sinubaybayan ng maraming wala pang email address sa Yahoo ay ang; Villa Quintana, Aguila at Valiente(Val Sotto era) Ula ang batang Gubat(Judy Ann Santos)

Last but not the least for this series: Wrestling, halos lahat tayo nanood nito. Siyempre kilala nyo si Hulk Hogan at Ultimate Warrior, Andre the Giant at Yokuzuna. Pati si Earthquake yung long hair na malaking tao din. Meron pa ngang issue nun na si Ultimate Warrior ay hindi na si Ultimate Warrior, ang gulo diba? Kasi namatay na daw dahil napatiran ng ugat. Mga ganung kwento na sinubaybayan natin nung panahon na iyon. Naalala nyo ba si Ravishing Rick Rude? Yung nahubaran sa ring. Si Hacksaw Jim Dougan na ang drama eh may pumalo sa kanya ng kahoy kya mula nun naging wrestler na din siya at siyempre tuwang tuwa tayo kapag may kontrabida na nagiging bida katulad ni Undertaker na laging kasama si Pole Bearer. May dagdag pa ako ha? Si Junkyard Dog at si Jake the Snake Roberts.

Makulay tlga ang Dekada Otsenta, sabi nga sa mga blog na nabasa ko ito ang pinakamasayang panahon kahit wala pang internet at MP3 player masayang masaya na tayo sa mga pinaglalaruan natin katulad ng Pepsi Cola- 7 Up, Siyato, Langit-Lupa Impiyerno(Im-Im-Impiyerno), at Tumbang preso. Saka pag nasa skul tayo nung elementary gustong gusto natin pag birthday ng classmate natin kasi may spaghetti at cake at ice cream at kung mayaman ang classmate mo may clown pa. Mga maliit na bagay na ang sarap i-appreciate. Parang jolens at yo-yo na paborito nating laruin after skul kasama ng Teks(yung parang mga ginupit na komiks, kung dalawa lang kayong magkalaban ang tawag dun sa isang card ay PANABLA), at Kalog(may tatlong pitsa na aalugin ka sa loob ng nakasaradong palad tapos ang pustahan ang mga laruan na na-free sa mga chichirya, may iba’t ibang denomination ito, yung Panday na malambot, ang bilang nun minsan bente minsan trenta, yung maliliit na sundalong kulay green isa lang ang bilang nun, malalaman mong addict ka na sa sugal na ito kung ipinusta mo na ang GI Joe mo n original kasi 500 ang bilang nun, o kya yung Barbie Doll ng kapatid mong babae na minsan ay 1000 ang bilang..PS na-addict ako dito kaya alam ko) Tapos pag gusto niyong pawisan dahil boring na ang Kalog, pumupuwesto kayo kahit saang parte ng kalsada at gumuguhit ng maliit na box tapos sa mejo malayong lugar may Persan…ang tawag dito Tatsing, pagalingan ng hagis kung sinong first malamang ikaw ang madaming makabig at kung last ka naman malamang ang susunod mo ng tira ay sa persan ulit.

Madami pa!

Panahon Na Naman

Dekada Otsenta…kainitan ng akng kamalayan. Aking na-alala courtesy of Kuya Paul, Ate Dina, Henson at may extra pang Joanne at Jane at special na bisita from Bench, si JM. Ansaya ng tugtugan. Naalala ang maraming bagay mula sa REO Speedwagon hanggang sa Starship. Mga bandang sumikat nung panahon na halos kaka memorize ko pa lang ng multiplication table (Note: High School na ako ay namamangha pa ako sa multiplication table at kung papipiliin mas gusto kong kabisahin ang sagot sa crossword puzzle ng pinakasikat na tabloid noon…ang Balita)

Sige. Isa isahin natin. At kung ikaw ay nahilig kay Usher, Black Eyed Peas at sa Linkin Park, baka mejo hindi ka na makarelate ditto. Isang suhestyon isama ang inyong tiyuhin, yung pangalawa sa panganay na magkakapatid ng inyong ama. Huwag ang bunso. Pwede ang panganay.

Simulan natin kay Kuya Germs (nga pala, not in chronological order ang isusulat ko ha? Ito ay ayon sa bilis ng memorya ko habang nagkakape dito sa office ng Musikatha). Sige balik tayo kay Kuya Germs. Siya yung kung tagurian ay Master Showman. Wow! Master na Showman pa. hehehe. Si Kuya Germs ay ang nagpasikat ng mga kabataang artista nun (counterpart ng Starstruck at Star Circle Quest sa panahon ngayon) That’s Entertainment na pinakomplika ng Monday to Friday edition at magpapasikatan ito sa Saturday Presentation. Pag dating ng Linggo ay mapapanood mo pa rin si Kuya Germs sa GMA Supershow.

Bigla ko naalala ang rivalry ni Ate Guy at Ate Vi. Eh usapan dekada otsenta hindi post-war era. Kaya wag na natin palalimin ang topic tungkol sa kanila.

Ano pa ba? Cafeteria Aroma ni Apeng Daldal, grabe walang sinabi ang mga sitcoms ngayon kay pareng Apeng, aba nakaupo lang ito lagi sa isang mesa kasama si Minyong, ang classical na gitarista na opposite ang haba ng patilya nya sa haba ng bangs nya. Pareho na yatang sumakabilang buhay ang dalawang ito, ewan ko lang kya mejo ito nlang muna ang description natin sa kanila.

Meron pa akong naalalang mga palabas sa TV, yung Dayuhan, si Hero Bautista ang bida dito, tuturo nya lang ang kamay nya na parang si Hitler tapos may mangyayari na. Papasok siya sa isang kubo pag labas nya parang time space warp na yun ibang lugar na mapupuntahan nya. Siyempre anjan din ang Yagit, at Gulong ng Palad. Pag mejo ndi ka pa naiiyak eh alalahanin mo ang Flor De Luna at yung kay Julie Vega(RIP) I forgot the title eh text nyo nlang ako pag naalala nyo ha?

Teka, kung ikaw ay nsa edad 25 pababa at nagbabasa ka pa neto. Aba dapat kang palakpakan kasi ibig sabihin maraming naitagong Liwayway magasin ang Tita mo (kapatid nung Tiyuhin mo na binabanggit ko kanina) Kahanga hanga at nakakarelate ka pa dito. Bravo Macro!

Sige tuloy tayo, alam nyo ba ang Eat Bulaga? Hindi yun ang paguusapan natin kundi ang Student Canteen, kung hindi ako nagkakamali kasunod nito ang Lovingly Yours Helen, walang sinabi ang Malaala mo Kaya at Magpakailnman dito, kasi dito nagsimula yung katagang, “Dear Ate Helen, itago nyo nlang ako sa pangalang…..” kainis no? bakit itago sa pangalan eh magtatago nlang bakit hindi pa sa middle initial or apelyido diba mas safe? Tignan nyo..”Dear Ate Helen, itago nyo nlang ako sa apelyidong…” o diba tagong-tago malamang hehehe.

Siyempre hindi lang puro tagalong ang palabas sa TV, meron ding English. Alam nyo ba yung The A Team? Si B.A. Baraccus? Isa lang naman ang plot nila eh. Makukulong sila sa isang kuwarto tapos mag fifigure out sila ng maraming paraan para makalabas at di mo namamalayan may tangke na silang nabuo gamit ang mga lumang cabinet, sintas ng combat shoes, table napkin, pihitan ng lumang transistor at 110 volts na bumbilya.(McGyver ang palabas na halos katulad nito). Hay naku ang haba pa ng listahan. Meron ding kotseng itim na nagsasalita na kung tagurian ay Knight Rider, singer na ngayon ang bida dun. Pero bago siya naging singer ay naging lifeguard muna siya sa Baywatch.

Andami ko pang gustong ikwento tawa ng tawa ang ang mga kasama ko dito sa office eh nagtatanong lang naman ako ng mga trivias nung dekada otsenta. Siguro ang gagawin ko nlang gagawan ko nlang ito ng part 2 kasi masyado na yatang mahaba. Pero actually kaya ko ng sumulat ng libro na puro patungkol lang sa dekada otsenta kaya lang boring eh. Dapat may climax sa DOJ at Comelec sa kasalukuyang panahon. Classic yun eh.

Sige hanggang dito na lang uuwi n kami eh.

Abangan ang Part 2.

If.I.Was.Rich

10/23/2006 03:38pm
Singapore

If I was rich…I’d buy poverty and I’d sell them to the thieves, I could even give it to them for free…whichever way they want it, but you say thieves are already poor? I’m not talking about the poor thieves…I’m talking about influential thieves, those thieves that dictate the actions of the poorer thieves. The thieves that take away your future, your dreams, those that come to steal, and destroy (yeah sometimes they do kill….they kill hopes). If only I was rich.

If I was rich…I’d pay the debt of the whole world…I’d feed the hungry…clothe the naked and teach them how to find food with their clothes on. I remember the picture of an African child struggling in the desert for food as vultures wait for his last breath. I’d buy the desert for him and turn it into his own playground. If only I was rich.

If I was rich…I’d make good movies…clean music…I’d make sure that no child would be involved in pornography and if there’s money left for me I’d buy pornography and put in the depths of the sea. If only I was rich.

If I was rich…I’d pay drug lords, drug dealers…I’d pay them 100 times of what they are earning just to dispose of every destructive chemical in their hands. I’d pay scientists and doctors to provide a way out for the drug addicts. I’d pay them well. If only I was rich.

If I was rich…I’d pay every parent to stay near their child. I’d pay them 100 times of what they earn at work and give time to their children. If only I was rich.

If I was rich…I’d buy every weapon of mass destruction and dispose of them…I’d pay world leaders to shut up because they can’t do a thing about it. I’d buy the United Nations and create real unity among nations. I’d put a price to every war effort that any world leader would think of. If only I was rich.

But…..

I am not rich…that’s why I wrote this blog. ‘cause if I am really rich. I WOULD NOT CARE… ‘cause I would not know what poverty is…I would not know that drugs are destructive and I would get richer selling weapons. And if you watch a movie with me? I’d make sure there’s blood all over the screen. And I would leave my family behind, who cares? they would be rich also.

Maybe I would be paying people to write my blog. And I have so much money I would not really care what those people write.

Thank God, I’m not rich. Thank God for today.

And I pray. If God would make me rich. It would be worth it.

WORTH IT!

Losing.Life

Losing.Life
Bedok North Ave 3, Singapore
11:59pm 10/21/2006

Oh joy, I left you on solid ground before I fell to the silence of my growing pain. I can’t remember how you looked like as you sneak from behind my dreams. I can’t see clearly as I search from the wholeness of you. If I would have the riches of this world and not have joy, I’d rather trade my breath for one cold smile. I’d rather leave my shadow for the glory of the stars in the sky.

Forgotten, that’s where I would be going, that’s what I would become. To all the souls I passed by, walked with, lived with and loved as my own. From dust I come from, dust I am, dust I become. And as you don’t call dust by name. I become equal with nothing, a prelude to vacancy. The art of the work of my hand which dignified the color of calmness is now a resounding vastness of defeat.

Saved by grace.

This is what matters.

Regardless of being left alone…regardless of being humiliated with my own deeds. Salvation came.

And as you leave, wherever you will be...the promise will always conquer all doubts.

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Phil 4:7

Day.One

Just this morning, I was cramming on a marketing presentation minus the basic number of hours required to sleep. With the tender aroma of a half awake consciousness I left my agenda of having a successful slumber party years ago when I have no plan of doing the things that I am over capable of doing now.

Working in the wee hours of the morning, its so good to have a friend to stand up with you when your own adulterated organizational skills are listed some hundreds of steps below the “Ten Effective Steps to Become Effective”. Thanks to somebody else, things are getting done the way it should be.

In a sense, if you may not learn to do a specific skill, and somebody else gave you a hand along the way, you learn even greater things. You learn intangible things much better than digital outputs. You learn to smile, you learn to care more and to give up on truth, you learn to wake up on the right side of the bed, you learn to inspire other people to give out their true smile.

“True smile” whoever has this nowadays is worth envying in exponential proportions. It’s just around the corner of “True joy” and “Peace that passes all understanding”. It’s not so difficult to give yet so distant to achieve. It is life’s purpose meter. It tells you how to go on when things are on the halt. It is something I don't see in the mirror every morning. Radiantly, I saw this in a friend. And thankfully I have a clear marker to where I should be tapping the rods of my “self-achieving” motives.

4.30 pm, somewhere above the earth, besides the clouds, on a plane bound to singapore, I was blessed to have a chat with two strangers who symbolized the simplicity of what I left behind.

With simple dreams and hopes, with nothing else to hold on to, we were seated next to each other, and guess who ended up realizing that it is he who has the best of both worlds but have none to partake?

I’ll give you a clue…

There where three of us…and I was listening…

Well I guess you got it right.